we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
