Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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