I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
That was an excessively violent trivia night
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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