I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
