dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
