remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
