Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
