I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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