I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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