dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I fill condoms, not promises.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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