Porn is love you can see.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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