apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I need water and some morals
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
