What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
