Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
