is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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