Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
