You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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