Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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