it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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