I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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