I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
