Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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