Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
