this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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