I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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