Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
