Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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