It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
