Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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