Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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