I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
