pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
