Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
