i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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