Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
