ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
