then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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