Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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