you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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