went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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