WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
