Just fell off a train. Bad.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
