I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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