hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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