That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
