i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dear god my vagina.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
