So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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