what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
