does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
