I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
