So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
