i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
