I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I am available for nakedness
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize