Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
