You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
