I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
