Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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