Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
The maid of honor just puked.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
