fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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