Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
